Birthday Jokes / Recent Jokes

Whats the greatest birthday present? Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mums too frightened hell break it!

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party
but find there aren't any.
Your twin brother forgot your birthday.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
from the city.
Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as
you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway.
You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and
then realize you don't have a waterbed.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You call your answering service and you're told to mind
your own business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your tax refund more...

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.- You wake up face down on the pavement.- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.- You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.- You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.- You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.- The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.- Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.- You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up.- Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested. Susie was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered at the bank, "So you fill out the application."

Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank".

With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy".

ON his wife's birthday:
Husband:' You are the best wife I have ever had!'
On her husband's birthday:
Wife:' You are the best husband I have had, (pause) till now!'

It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door.

"Telegram!"

He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?" Schneider asked the messenger boy.

"No, sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."

"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?"

"Sorry."

"Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday."

"Oh, all right," said the boy, "Happy birthday to you. .. happy birthday to you. .. happy birthday dear Schneider. .. your sister is dead."