Birthday Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck.
She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up. so surprise me!"
He did just that, so for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

On the boy's 14th birthday, he went to his dad and said, "Dad, I am 14 years old today. Can I drive your Ferrari?"
Dad said, "Son, can your dick reach up to your arse?" The son replied, "No, Dad."
Dad replied, "Then you can't drive my Ferrari"
When the boy was 16 he went to his dad and said, "Dad, I am 16 years old today. Can I drive your Ferrari?"
Dad said, "Son, can your dick reach up to your arse?" The son replied, "No, not yet, Dad."
Dad said "Then you can't drive my Ferrari"
On the boy's 21st birthday, he went to his dad and said, "Dad, I am 21 years old today. Can I drive your Ferrari?"
Dad said, "Son, can your dick reach up to your arse?" The son replied, "Yes Dad, my dick is now long enough to reach my arse".
Dad said "Then go and screw yourself, but you can't drive my Ferrari"

There were three girls (triplets) that got up one morning on their birthday with the idea that they wanted to have someone spend the night for their birthday. They ran down stairs and asked their mom. Their mom said each of you may have one guest over. Each decided to have their boyfriend over. That night the mom went to each of the girls bedroom door to check up on her daughters. At the first door she heard yelling, not knowing why the mom went to the next one's door. At that door she heard laughing, assuming they must be having fun she went to the last daughters room to her surprise she heard nothing. The next morning she asked each about the noises she had heard.
The first daughter said, Mom it hurt.
The second daughter said, Mom it tickled.
The third daughter said, Mom, you always taught us not to talk with our mouth full.

Yo Mama so old...
She left her purse on Noah's Ark.
Jurassic Park brought back the memories...
When she ran the 100 meter dash, they timed yo mama with a sundial.
She still owes Moses a dollar.
When she was at school... there was No history class!
She uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
She's got the first autographed Koran.
She co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
When I asked for Her ID yo mama handed me a rock
She even made Yoda jealous.
She recalls When the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
The fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
When She gave birth, You came out with Dentures.
She sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
Her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.
Her birthday expired.
When Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo mama fishing on the other side!
She got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
Her social security number is 000-000-001
She's got more...

Santa thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife`s birthday and, also, their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to Jeetoo on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
Jeeto was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when Santa came home, kissed her and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, where`d you get them?"

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is more...

The little girl was so proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.
The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."
The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume:
"If you hear anything or smell anything... it's me!"