"List of rules of being a guy:" joke

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Finally... Always split aces and eights. No arguments!