Bit Jokes / Recent Jokes
My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.' Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he more...
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen.
"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands.
Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep hercompany at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; itwouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be funto hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediatelyspotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare lookingand beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you firstthat this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it sayspretty vulgar stuff."The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have thebird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for itto say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but more...
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see’s a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! ”So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? ”
“Ma’am, ” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. ”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! ” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22? was the route number, not more...
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. 00, which seemed awfully cheap.
"Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird`s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation more...
Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed. The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit. The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder. When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning. The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".