Bit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle exp lains to her that "22" was the route number, not the more...

A CEO has his business going well, but he's a bit worried. He decides to check the competence of his employees.

The first person he meets is his assistant:
- Oh Miss, I'd like to ask you just a quuestion. How much make 2+2?
- Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo oon that?
- No, just answer the question.
- Well, I think it's 4.

Then he goes to the computer tech:
- Hi John! Just a question. Can you telll me how much make 2+2?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
- It is 4. 00 E+0, but I'm not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow. Will I ask them to check it?

Then he goes to the accountant:
- Hello mister, can you tell me how muchh make 2+2?
- Well, well, I know I'm late. I'm sorryy. I didn't already collect all the data, neither check all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between 3. 196... and... let's say... 5. 659. But I'll be able to make a much more accurate estimate within two more...

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
“How do they feel? ” asks the sales clerk.
“Well … they feel a bit tight. ” replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
“Try pulling the tongue out. ” offers the clerk.
“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth. ” He says.

Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95

Windows95: n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

* BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in “Our son’s computer cost quite a bit. ”
* BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
* BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
* CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
* COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
* CURSOR - What you turn into when you can’t get your computer to perform, as in “You $#% computer! ”
* DISK - What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
* DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
* ERROR - What more...

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands,
"Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so
pissed I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse
for wear, pours him a DOUBLE of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another
ONE!"
The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give
you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY
you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale:

"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous
blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the bar. I
thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know,
it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well, a couple of
minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the
blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm
INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was more...

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?