Blue Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for herhusbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husbandto be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suitthat hes wearing?"But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blankcheck to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffinand he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director howmuch she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thinghappened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this onewearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, andasked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried ina black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched theheads."

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."
Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?
Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."
"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"
"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."
"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"
What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.
Later that night, when Dave gets home late, more...

It was the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer park
Not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care,
In hopes Santy would fill' em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was alseep in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon pies, and RC's.
And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap
Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fourtune and a nap.

Then out in the vacent lot I heard such a commotion
I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen and hollered for Blue.

The moon was shinin' down on my old wrecked cars
So bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't believe my own hardworking eyes
When a jacked up Ford pickup come flyin' through the sky!

Faster'n Ole Ironhead hs more...

Three guys, a Tarheel, a Blue Devil and an NC State Wolfpack are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Wolfpack says, "I am studying to be a farmer; my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land in the Piedmont to forever be fertile."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM" the land in the Piedmont was made forever fertile.
The Tarheel was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Chapel Hill, so that no one can come into our precious city."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF" there was a huge wall around Chapel Hill.
The Blue Devil says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Blue Devil more...

M&M's: The Theory of Evolution

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species more...

Q. What is blue and goes up and down?
A. A blueberry in an elevator! Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.Q: What do you get when 354 blueberries try to go through the door at the same time?
A: A Blueberry Jam!Q. What do you get when you merge IBM and Apple
A. Blueberry MacsMr. Spock: "What is the formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er...apple or blueberry, sir?"

YOUNG Pakistani civil servant had just got married. He was desperately trying to find somewhere to live. His mother advised him to go and see the faqir (holy man) as a last resort. And so he did.

"What I'm looking for is a small apartment, nothing too expensive, just three rooms, kitchen and bathroom, with a balcony and if possible a telephone and..."

"Very well", said the faqir. "Take this incense and burn it in a little blue teapot. A djinn will appear, who will make your wish come true."

The young man did as the faqir said. He burned the incense in a little blue teapot. And, sure enough, the djinn appeared.

"Your wish is my command!"

"Well, I'd like a small apartment, nothing too expensive, just three rooms, a kitchen and bathroom, with a balcony if possible a telephone...."

"Is that all?" the genie asked. "You fool! if I had a three-roomed apartment, more...