Blue Jokes / Recent Jokes
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, more...
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught any fish?
He says "Yes, lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies. "I did... they were in your tacklebox!"
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding
a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching
the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's more...
Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her. The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa. The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies, "a necklace and a vibrator." "Why?" asks the second man. To which the other man replies, "Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself."
For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States,
Crossbeed Dogs:
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + more...
THE SEQUELS CONTINUE
(these are all by me by the way)
"Hmm... Let's go for the gusto today!"
"Here's my ticket to fame, fortune, and Ripley's Beleive it or Not!"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am!"
"Gotta match?"
"Now, why in the name of God's green Earth did I do that?!"
"We'll just mix these two together and that should...!"
"No honey, there's no one in your closet. Now go to sleep. Quit crying. Here, I'll look just to make sure."
"It's the red wire, right? The blue wire? There is no blue wire. The black one then? You're so wishy-washy. Here I'll just cut them both!"
"Wow. A real dud grenade! Can I pick it up?"
"Hey what's with the mask! I'm just visiting the hospital! Zzzzzzzzz..."
"Sister Loretta, I'm telling you, I DID NOT TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. Geez! That's the biggest ruler I've ever seen!"
"Don't move. more...