Blue Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing? ” “No, ” she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. “It must be blue. ” When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost. He said, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads. ”

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look
at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I
can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: more...

What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to
nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud
snoring. When they found him, one said, "
I've always wondered what a
Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper,
raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said,
"
Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off
her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's
endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature.
He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue
ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "
I don't know where y'been
laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

I received this one from a girlfriend whose husband works at a mortuary.
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine more...

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the
captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds
the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't
shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?" The
captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever
the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel."
"Enough!" says the commander in disgust. Well, two weeks later, the
commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain
and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing
furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain
says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is
free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, more...

This is an invaluable tool for grading the Redneck experience in immigrants and visitors from the North. This test really can't be cheated on... either you know it or you don't. One Yankee only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas rednecks typically score around 20+.
How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
Bill Dance is good at what?
What university does Bill Dance root for?
Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
What is a chigger?
What is scrapple?
Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, _______________.
What's the common name for a bowfin?
If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
Who sang more...

theres two guys and a gurl at school one guy walks into the class room and the teacher says "
were where you?"
the boy says "
on top of blue berry hill."
the other guy walks in and the teacher says "
were where you?"
he says "
on top of blue berry hill."
then the gurl walks in. The teacher asks "
who are you?"
she says "
i'm blue berry hill>"