Blue Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
2. "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
3. "What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"
4. "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
5. "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't
just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
6. "Give me that!"
7. "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
8 "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"
9. "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
10 "Have more...

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little more...

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but … it doesn’t seem to matter.
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the more...

Copied from someone who definitely has too much time on their hands:
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species more...

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from more...

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a more...

There was a blue fish in a yellow tank, a yellow fish in a red tank, a red fish in a green tank, and a green fish in a blue tank. All the fishes wanted to be back at their own tanks, with their own colors. So, they agreed, to jump out of their bowls and into their matching colored bowls. The bowls were close together, so this wouldn't be too difficult.The blue fish went first. He jumped from the yellow tank, and landed right in the blue tank, where the green fish was also at this point. The yellow fish decided to take the leap next, and from his red tank, he splashed right into his yellow tank. After that, the red fish escaped from his green tank, and splashed back into the red one.The blue fish told the green fish to get moving, back to his home tank. The green fish wasn't as bold, and he turned to the blue fish and said, "Can I stay here with you for a little while?" The blue fish quickly responded and said, "I thought we all agreed on this, you have to more...