Bob Jokes / Recent Jokes
MEN and WOMEN, COMPARED:
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water more...
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall
the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the
bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some
coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it
as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors and you insulted the president of
the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," came the
reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on
Monday."
A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words "sex" and "love".
The woman wrote, "When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex."
And Bob wrote, "I love sex."
Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10. 00."
Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. 00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be more...
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"." Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,"Bob, what are you doing?!"Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.
Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.
Bob would ask, and Sue would say, “No way, ten dollars is ten dollars. ”
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn’t have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it’s free to watch, let’s at least watch.
And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, “I’ll tell you what, I’ll take you up flying, and if you don’t say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.
Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and more...
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy, Earl, awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the more...