Bodies Jokes / Recent Jokes
THE LAWS OF CARTOON PHYSICS
By Trevor Paquette and Lt. Justin D. Baldwin
Cartoon Law I: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims more...
There were two vampires in Transylvania talking about how bored they were with the local cuisine. Another vampire told them they should take a trip to Italy. He told them that the food was fabulous and if you catch the people right after they've eaten, you can actually taste the wonderful Italian food in their blood.
The vampires head off to Italy and hide under a bridge, right down the road from an Italian restaurant. Pretty soon they hear a couple walking across the bridge. They swoop up, attack them, drain all their blood and toss the bodies over the bridge into the river. They couldn't believe how wonderful it was... they'd never tasted such delicacy. They decided to hide under the bridge and wait for more.
Soon enough, another couple came out of the restaurant and crossed the bridge. The vampires swooped up, drained all their blood and dumped the bodies into the river below. Not quite sated, they decided to wait for one more couple... dessert you more...
There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.
One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say' It could have been worse' as he always does!"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in more...
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show
them what's happened.
A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a
thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of
alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
" Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown
the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. To which the coroner
replies: "Thought he was having his picture taken,".
Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world.. . teehee!!)3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great.. . just don't get over 200 lbs!!)4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate.. . about who they are having it with!!)5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife.. . " you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever" OR.. . " yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with more...
After the Sunday church service, little Timmy told his parents that he needed to go and talk to the minister right away. Seeing that he appeared troubled about something, they agreed and led him to where the minister was standing outside the door of the church.
"Father," said little Timmy, "I heard you mention that our bodies came from dust."
"That's correct, Timmy," answered the minister.
"Then I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"I see you were listening Timmy. Yes, that's right. Why do you ask?" the minister said.
"Boy, you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, 'cause someone's either coming or going!" Timmy replied.