Books Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother'skeeper or my keeper's brother."
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
1. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
2. "You Were an Accident" 3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
5. "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
6. "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
7. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
8. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
9. "All Dogs Go to Hell"
10."The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
11."When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
12. "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
13. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
14. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
15. "Bi-Curious George"
16. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
17. "Mister Policeman Eats His more...
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."
Little Johnnie's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Johnnie was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Johnnie proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents.
An A in Math!
"Johnnie! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?"
Johnnie shook his head.
"Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?"
Johnnie looked at her and said, "Well, Mom, it's like this. When I more...
The World's 25 Shortest Books:
25.' Things I Wouldn't Do for Money' by Dennis Rodman
24.' The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert'
23.' The Book of Virtue' by Bill Clinton
22.' To All the Men I've Loved Before' by Ellen
21.' Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes'
20.' Human Rights Advances in China'
19.' My Plan to Find the Real Killers' by O.J. Simpson
18.' Al Gore: The Wild Years'
17.' Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean'
16.' America's Most Popular Lawyers'
15.' Career Opportunities for Art History Majors'
14.' Detroit - A Travel Guide'
13.' Beauty Tips' by Roseanne
12.' Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches'
(subtitled' The Power of Positive Thinking')
11.' UNIX Made Easy'
10.' Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance and Fine Dining'
9.' Everything Men Know About Women'
8.' Everything Women Know About Men'
7.' French Hospitality'
6.' George Foreman's Big more...
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
Very Short Books... 1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians10) GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats11) GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs13) Human Rights organizations in Libya14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars18) Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents20) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players21) Famous Hillbilly Physics22) Guide to apply for Pan Handling more...