Books Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple of books you should read: Falling of a cliff by Eileen Ova, Rusty bed springs by I P Nightly.

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

A bunch of better idiots
These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have that book by Rushdie:' Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39. 95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha... what a bone head!
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm... I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen... do you?
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No... that's your brain miss-firing.)
"I am looking for a list of laws more...

...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your office is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the more...

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them more...

Jan. 1 2002
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.
Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.
Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
Jan. 26
Review the Christmas' 96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan. 31
Gild lilies.

There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven. Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell more...