Boss Jokes / Recent Jokes

My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an
interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software.
One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software
with' remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked.
Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, “Are you using my copyrighted copy for this? ”
“Of course not! ” the sales gerbil replied.
“So, what happens if you press [key combination]? ”
“Nothing. ”
“Well, humor me. Do it for me. ”
“Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does. . . ” and upon pressing the keys. . .
the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice.
It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the more...

An old couple was sitting down and the wife decided to strike up a conversation she asked her husband, Have you ever cheated on me? Its all over, so just tell me."
He answers "No, and you."
"Well, remember that time you got fired and then rehired? Well, I visited your boss."
"Is that all," he asks.
"No, remember that time you wanted a raise and your boss refused. I talked to the head of the company in his bed." "Please tell me thats all, asks her husband.
"No, do you remember when you ran for town legislator and you were 150 votes short?!"

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked him...
"... And where do you think you're going?"
" I AM GOING HOME TOO, CANT WORK WITHOUT LIGHTS"

A factory foreman is walking through the work area, and notices that Kawolski isn't at his station.
He asks one of the other workers if they know where Kawolski is, and the employee points straight up in the air. The foreman looks up, and there's Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.
"Get down from there, Kawolski," he yells, to which Kawolski replies, "But I'm a light bulb!"
The boss is -NOT- impressed, and makes Kawolski climb down and get back to work.
About an hour later, the boss is walking through the factory once again, and once again he notices that Kawolski is missing. On a hunch, he looks up, and again sees Kawolski hanging by one arm from the rafters.
The foreman makes him climb down, and chews him out, saying that if he catches Kawolski up there one more time, he's going to get fired.
Another hour later, the boss is making another round, and sure enough... there's Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the more...

Always walk with a document in your hands:
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. Those with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make certain you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. This will generate the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy:
Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send/receive personal email, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These are not exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they aren't bad either. When you get caught by the boss, and you *will* get caught, your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable more...

Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news.
"Shure was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.
"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?"
"No," replied the Aggie. "I'll finish the day out."
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
"Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," Moaned the Aggie.
"That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"

Sally goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all of his employees well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

Sally very calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know."

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's more...