Bottom Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.The first has no arms.The second no legs.And the third has no body, just a head.They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom. Each time
he tried the restroom, it was occupied. A kind stewardess, aware of
his predicament, suggested that he try the ladies room, but cautioned
him against pushing any of the buttons.
Making the fatal mistake that so many men make in disregarding what
a woman says, the man let curiosity get the best of him. He carefully
pressed the first button marked WW, and Warm Water sprayed him on his
bottom. He thought "The girls really have it made"... still curious, he
pressed the button marked WA, and Warm Air dried his bottom. He
thought "That's out of this world" and pressed the button marked PP. A
large Powder Puff powdered his bottom lightly. Naturally, he couldn't
resist pushing the last button which was marked ATR...
When he awoke in the hospital he panicked. "What happened? Where am
I?" he cried, "The last thing I remember was more...
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Luigi comes to America and succeeds in becoming a millionaire. One
day Luigi says to himself:"Luigi, you; re an intelligent boy, you make a
million in America, now you are gonna make one woman happy."So he has his
picture taken in the nude, in the buff, naked.
When he views the proofs, he exclaims,"Luigi, you're an intelligent boy
who make a million in America, I'm gonna make two women happy. "He cuts
the picture in half. "I'm gonna send the top half to my Mamma, and the
bottom half to my girlfriend.
In addressing and sealing the envelopes he gets the pictures mixed;
the top half goes to his girlfriend, the bottom half to his ageing
mother.
His girlfriend receives her letter and exclaims while gazing at her half
of the picture "That's my Luigi, handsome Italian boy, make a million in
America"
His mother on the other hand receives her letter and bottom portion of
the nude more...
On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hell's lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesn't have a rung, because when you're at the very bottom, you don't need one.
So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how' bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."
Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see the old Polish Navy.