Brake Jokes / Recent Jokes

How to identify where a driver is from...One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New YorkOne hand on wheel, one finger out window: ChicagoOne hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BostonOne hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ItalyOne hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: SeattleOne hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city maleOne hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the more...

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California ***with gun in lap***: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las more...

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3. Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert more...

there is three midgets that wanted to brake the record for thesmallest body parts so the first guy goes in and says can i brake the record for the smallest hands he gets it and the second guy goes in and says can i brake the record for the smallest feet he gets it. The third guy goes in and says can i brakethe record for the smallest dick he doesnt get it so he walks out of the office and says who the hell is (say the person that you are tellin it too.

One day in Soweto a delivery truck pulls up outside the Mandela house. The driver gets out and unloads al pile of boxes on to the front lawn. At this point Winnie Mandela arrives back from shopping and accosts the driver: "What are you doing? What is all this stuff on my garden!"
"Look lady," says the driver "see this paper it say 150 car batteries for Nelson Mandela."
And with that he jumps in his truck and drives off.
The next day The truck again pulls up outside the Mandela house and the driver starts to unload. This time Winnie runs out shouting: "What are you doing now?"
"Lokk lady, It says here 200 brake shoes for Nelson Mandela"
"But what does my Nelson want with 200 Brake shoes and 150 batteries, take them away!" shouts Winnie
"No lady I have to leave them or I get the sack", says the driver who has now finished throwing boxes on to the grass, and drives off.
The following more...

Nelson Mandela is at home watching the box, when there is a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, there is a Chinese bloke with clipboard, behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes.
"You sign, you sign" yells the Chinese geezer. Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese bloke that he has a got the wrong bloke.
Next day Nelson is watching a porno film when there is a knock on his door. It's the same Chinese bloke and behind him is truck full of brake parts.
"You Sign, You Sign" screams the Chinese bloke and pushes the clipboard under Nelson's nose.
"Look you Twat" snarls Nelson "You've got the wrong bloke. I don't want brake parts, you've got the wrong bloke now FUCK OFF".
Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading Penthouse, when there is a knock on the door. It's the Chinese bloke again, behind him are two trucks filled with engine parts. The Chinese bloke screams at Nelson "You sign, you more...

THE LAST WORDS OF THE THREE NUNS FROM THE CHURCH OF FREE CALIFORNIA Written by David Fowler 1 The sisters of the Church of Free California take a vow of silence for all the days of the month, save one. On that one day a month, the sisters are free to talk all day and as much of the night as they care to stay up. It is sad to report that it was temporary release from their vow of silence that led to the demise of three sisters in the San Bernardino Diocese. They got the day off together and it was their talking that got them killed. Just before the traffic accident, Hope, Faith, and Charity were riding in a car owned by the Diocese. Now the Church of Free California is poor and relies on donations for its needs. People do not donate new cars to the church. They don’t donate cars to the church that can be foisted off on someone teenager in lieu of having to buy a car for the kid. Those cars donated to the Church of Free California are the ones that can’t be sold after six months of more...