Breathalyzer Jokes

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have.' Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later. ." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over. He walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you`re drunk. I`m going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I`m a severe asthmatic, and I don`t have my inhaler with me... if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah... well, this is more invasive, but if you won`t submit to a breathalyzer, I`m going to have to take you down to the station and take some blood sample"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I`m a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can`t give blood... I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I`m going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I can`t do that, I`m drunk."

From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.The more...

A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday
night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait,
one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked,
bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car.
He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head
in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.
Of course he doesn't get very far at all before the cop is on him,
and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car,
sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much
effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The
driver fails all the tests miserably: can't touch nose, can't walk
straight, can't stand on one foot, can't recite a speedy alphabet.
The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks
his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. more...

After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very attractive blonde behind the wheel.
"Ma'am," he said ."I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test to see whether or not you've been drinking."
The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones."
"That's amazing!"the girl cried."You mean it shows that, too!"