British Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca. One looked at the other and asked, `Are you brown from the sun?` `No,` replied the other, `I`m Smith from The Times.`
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" "Doesn`t that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER`S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That`s easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames."
A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I`d like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary - unusual. The pet shop owner replied, well,I have one Rairy-bird left... The man said, I`ve never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual!, I`ll take it! So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally,the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn`t fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I`ve got to get rid of this animal-I can`t afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck: "It`s a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!!
An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends."Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the
policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines
(collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to more...
A British newspaper did a study that showed that British youths had sex at an earlier age than the kids in America. In America the average age was 16, in England it was 15, and as young as 12 in some cases.
In other news Michael Jackson, R. Kelly and Gary Glitter have announced that they've just purchased a huge London flat near Piccadilly Circus.
HEAVEN is where: The police are British The chefs Italian The mechanics are German The lovers are French and it`s all organised by the Swiss HELL is where: The police are German The chefs are British The mechanics are French The lovers are Swiss and it`s all organised by the Italians!!