British Jokes / Recent Jokes
The British Isles, it is said, are inhabited by four nations.
The Scots, who keep the Sabbath, and everything else they can lay
their hands on.
The Welsh, who pray upon their knees and upon their neighbours.
The Irish, who don't know what they want, but are willing to die for it.
And the English, who, considering themselves a race of self-made men,
thereby relieve the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
The British Navy was sailing along when the First Mate ran up to the Admiral.
He said "Sir, their are eight Spanish ships heading for us."
The Admiral told the First Mate to go get his red dress suit for him. The First Mate asked "Why?".
The Admiral said "So if I get shot, the men won't see the blood and will keep on fighting."
The First Mate ran off to get the suit but came back quickly.
"Sir, there are another eighty Spanish ships running us down from the opposite direction!"
The Admiral exclaimed, "Run and fetch me my brown pants, quickly!"
Submitted by Peggie
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18, 000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1, 000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1. 5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with thebest people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
"But what... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." more...
Bobby's death
One day a mortician after performing an autopsy suddenly observed that the dead man had a massive organ. He promptly cut it and put it in the brief case so that he can show it to his wife.
After going home he kept the briefcase on the table and told the wife that he brought something of interest to show her and opened the brief.
"Oh my God is bobby dead" screamed the wife and fainted.
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African Thermometer
Theree guys one American, british and a nigerian were going on an expedition in the Aamzon river.
The American dipped his thing in the water and told the others the temperature of the water is 40 degrees. The British guy did the same thing and said the temperature was 50 degrees. The Nigerian dipped his prick and said " I know nothing about the temperature but the water is one foot deep.
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A British cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. The locals always picked on the Brits and when the cowboy was done with his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back in the bar, flips his gun in the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SNAKES STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprised forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT -- I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BEER. WHEN I'M DONE, IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T *LIKE* TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS!"
The locals shifted uneasily as they'd never seen anyone quite this upset. When the cowboy finished his beer, he walked back outside and his horse had been returned.
The bartender had followed him out there and asked, "Just out of curiosity, what did you do in Texas?"
"I had to bloody walk home."
I found this on a gopher, hence do not know the author's name.
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the more...
Three guys, one Tamil, one British and one Sinhalese are speakers at the 5th International Deaf and Dumb Conference at London's Park Lane Hilton Hotel.
Tamil guy gets up to speak but then realises none of the audience will understand due to their disability. He therefore places his hands upon his head abd waves them like antlers. Suddenly the audience all clap.
The British and Sinhalese guys wonder why the audience clap - the Tamil guy says the antler gesture meant "dear" etc. Envious at the Tamils skills of improvisation the British guy then gets up to the stage and does a similar gesture but rubs his breast and groin. The audience clap even more enthusiastically.
The other two guys ask him what he actually said by way of the gestures. He replies " Dear Ladies and Gentleman". Not to let his country down, the Sinhalese guy then places his hands upon his head in antler way, rubs his breast and groin and then proceeds to unzip his fly, and masturbate more...