Broken Jokes / Recent Jokes
xA lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and more...
He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant. He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans. He writes blank checks on a closed account. He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession. He's a General Protection Fault trigger. He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier. He's diagnosable. He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing. He's not stupid he's possessed by a retarded ghost. He's so dense, light bends around him. He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head. Hears everything that a dog can. Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards. Her access time approaches infinity. Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas. Her blender doesn't go past "mix". Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run more...
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was treated for a gunshot wound to her left kneecap.
New statistics from Australian Bureau of Statistics:
3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 people were injured more...
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!" The more...
An Amish boy was driving his horse-drawn buggy to town when he was stopped by a highway patrol officer.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," said the Amish boy, "I shall have my father repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse's testicles. Some might consider this to be 'cruelty to animals' so you'd best have your father check this, too."
"Again I thank thee," said the Amish boy, "I shall have my father check this also when I return home."
True to his word, when the Amish boy got home he told his father about the broken reflector and his father said that he would repair it immediately.
"Also," said the Amish boy, "the policeman said that more...