Broker Jokes / Recent Jokes

When the stock exchange index reached its peak before the Harshad Mehta affair broke out, many rich contractors, who knew very little about the stock exchange, used the opportunity to make some quick money. Their level of ignorance can be made out from the following incident, narrated by a broker. One day he received a call from one of these fat cats who wanted to find out about what was happening in the market. The broker says, he told the caller that the index had touched 3, 000 points. Prompt came the reply, "Theek hai, uske bhi hazaar kharida. (OK, buy a thousand of that too.)"

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, its only $1 a share." "Buy me 1000 shares." said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares." The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10, 000 more shares said the client." "Great!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."

body: The man replied " I don't have a computer, neither an email" I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job. The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and
started to go everyday earlier, and return late.
Thus, his money doubles or triples every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, more...

STOCK:
A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND:
What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER:
The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BEAR:
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL:
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN:
Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION:
A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in. (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this more...

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him.
The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said.
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want more...

A mathematician and a stock broker go to the races to bet on horses. The broker suggests a bet of $10, 000. That's too much for the mathematician's taste: First, he wants to understand the rules, have a look at the horses, etc.
"Don't worry", the broker says. "I know an empirical algorithm that allows me to find the number of the winning horse with absolute certainty."
This does not convince the mathematician.
"You are too theoretical!" the broker exclaims and puts his $10, 000 on a horse.
The horse comes in first - making the broker even richer than he already is. The mathematician is baffled.
"What is your algorithm?" he wants to know.
"It's rather easy. I have two children, three and five years old. I add up their ages and bet on that number."
"But three plus five is eight - and that horse had number nine!"
"I told you that you're too theoretical! Didn't I just experimentally more...

For many years, a young stock broker at Big Street Investments would plan a yearly weekend getaway at a mountain Inn.
He would rendez-vous with the innkeeper's daughter while he was there.
Looking forward to this years trip he departed with his suitcases in hand. When he arrived at the Inn he made his way up the stairs to his usual meeting room. The door was open and he walked in glancing at the Innkeeper daughter sitting on the bed.
There she sat with an infant on her lap!
"Who is that he asked."
"It's your son" she answred.
"Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a stock broker.