Busy Jokes / Recent Jokes
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof distain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly more...
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"
Sally breaks down in tears. more...
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand more...
A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about anurgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to theyoungster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice." May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" Yes," came the answer." May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left homealone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the personwho should be there watching over the child." Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child." Yes," whispered the child, "a more...
It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. "Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?" Well, Santa is very busy and so hes slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, "Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. Im trying to get some work done." He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. "Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?" Santa snaps, "Stick em in the sleigh! Cant you see Im trying to get ready? I dont want any more interruptions!" But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, "Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?" And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange l on top of the Christmas tree.
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a childs whispered, "Hello?". Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.". Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No.". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the more...