Butcher Jokes / Recent Jokes
A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat for dinner. The butcher tells her that he is out of everything except dam ham. The woman buys the ham and goes home to cook it for her family. Her husband comes home from work and asks what she's cooking. It's dam ham, she tells him. The woman, her husband and their son are at the table eating later that evening when the husband says, Pass me the dam ham. The child then says, While you're at it, pass me the fuckin' potatoes.
A lady went to the butcher shop looking for a chicken for dinner. She asked the butcher to see his selection. He only had one chicken left but did not disclose this to the lady. He kept the chickens in the bin below the showcase and so he reached down and pulled out his last chicken. He put it on the scale, the lady eyed the weight and asked if he had one a little larger.
"Yes," he replied. He took the chicken and lowered it down to the empty bin, shook it against the side and brought it back out. This time when he placed it on the scale his trained thumb hung just a little bit on the edge of the scale.
The lady eyed the weight and said, "that is fine, I'll take both of them."
The Smartest Dog Ever
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He d
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any turkey?" The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires. The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.
"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."
There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only 20 dollars to spend. The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only 20 dollars. "But, there is a possibility!" he said. And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, "You can have this myna bird for 20 dollars, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is' WHO IS IT?'... that's the limit of his vocabulary." The lady was ecstatic. She paid the 20 dollars, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his more...
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait." On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak." In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push." On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff." On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs." On a butcher's window, "You can beat our prices, but you can't beat our meat." On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop, more...
"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?"
"Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"