Roast Jokes

You're so ugly your mom has to tie a roast beef sandwich around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

MONDAY: It's so much fun to cook for Ron. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. Fortunately, the neighbors were kind enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Ron wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said serve without dressing so, I didn't dress. What a surprise when Ron brought his boss home for dinner.
WEDNESDAY: A great day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed sort of silly, but I took a shower. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today, Ron asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Ron asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was exactly the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Ron more...

Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A.) They're hiring.
Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A.) "Dam."
Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest? A.) They take the psycho path.
Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? A.) Polaroids.
Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? A.) National Dyslexia Association.
Q.) What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A.) Nacho Cheese.
Q.) What do you call Santa's helpers? A.) Subordinate Clauses.
Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A.) Quattro sinko.
Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow? A.) Spoiled milk.
Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A.) Frostbite.
Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A.) A nervous wreck.
Q.) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A.) Anyone can roast beef.
Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A.) more...

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
- When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
- Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
- Jogging home from your own vasectomy
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
- One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
- Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
- You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
- Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
Have you heard George Michael's new song?
- It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
- The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea more...

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken? Because they're both full of stuffing!