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An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in
England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,".. yeah.
That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You more...
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket." How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a more...
When is the best time to buy budgies? When they're going cheap!
A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet. "What are they for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well, sir," came the reply, "that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says' Hello' and if you pull the string on his left foot he says' Goodbye'." "And what happens if you pull both strings at once?" "I fall off my perch, you fool!" screeched the parrot.
We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, xerox, contact lenses,
frisbees and the PILL.
We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and ball-point pens. Before pantyhose,
dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man
walked on the moon.
We got married first--and then lived together. How quaint can you be?
In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of". Bunnies were small rabbits and
rabbits were not Volkswagons. Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne; and having a
meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins. We thought fast food was what you ate
during Lent; and Outer Space was the back of the Riviera Theatre.
We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, and computer marriages. We
were before day-care centers, group therapy and nursing homes. We more...
Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950's.
(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
(6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off more...