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A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that there was
a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter him in the
races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he
decided to buy a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races and to his surprise, the donkey came
in Third. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline........
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered in the race again
and this time it won. The papers read..........
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this
headline.....
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of more...
INTELLIGENCE IS A BYPRODUCT OF EVOLUTION Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft more...
The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...
A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesnt serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesnt serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesnt serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"Thats not a TV - its a microwave."
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. The good news is that he will never remember to plug it in, and it will run out of juice eventually. Think of his cordless drill collection equally as important to him as your shoe & purse collection.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Buying him a socket and ratchet set is kind of like you having multiple orgasms every time you see a picture of Leonardo Di Caprio Again.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men more...
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be. At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you. Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough. Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right. Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. Cats know what more...