California Jokes / Recent Jokes

Attempts to lure wayward humpback whales out of the Sacramento-San Joaquin River Delta using an underwater'song' have so far been unsuccessful.

"We're obviously disappointed," said a Coast Guard spokesperson. "And maybe Sanjaya wasn't the best choice after all."

You Know You're From California When... 1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway2. Your were born somewhere else 3. You know how to eat an artichoke 4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic5. Your car has bulletproof windows6. Left is right and right is wrong7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income8. Your mouse has only one ball9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it12. You drive to your neighborhood block party13. Your family tree contains "significant others"14. Your dog has it's own psychiatrist15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them! 16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance17. More than clothes come out of the closets18. "The Dead" are best live19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach20. Your blind date turns out to be your more...

You Know You're In California When...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

Your mouse has only one ball.

You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains' significant others'.

Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the more...

A little girl was walking along a beach in California whenshe came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspapercovering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?" The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep. Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain." Where the hell am I?" A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergencyhelp, so we rushed you right over." "Well, what the hell happened to me?" "We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happeningto you today?" The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me justbefore I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happenedto that nice man you saw here earlier?" "Well," the more...

What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U. S. statistics from 1905:

The average life expectancy in the U. S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U. S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8, 000 cars in the U. S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1. 4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U. S. was 22 cents an hour.

The average U. S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U. S. took place at more...

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Saw IV, about a sadistic killer named Jigsaw. If you haven’t seen the first three and were wondering how Jigsaw got away with murdering people. It's simple; he was tried in California.

Q.Your in California and you ask a blond
wich is farther the moon or NY?
A.She would say duh NY you cant see it!
(Joshua age 10)