Calories Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 more...

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.Exercise________ Calories burned per hourBeating around the bush -75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300Dragging your heels - 100Pushing your luck - 250Making mountains out of molehills - 500Hitting the nail on the head - 50Wading through paperwork - 300Bending over backwards - 75Jumping on the bandwagon - 200Balancing the books - 25Running around in circles - 350Eating crow - 225Tooting your own horn - 25Climbing the ladder of success - 750Pulling out the stops - 75Adding fuel to the fire - 160Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:Opening a can of worms - 50Putting your foot in your mouth - 300Starting the ball rolling - 90Going over the edge - 25Picking up the pieces after - 350

Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the more...

Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement.............................. 12 cal
Without her agreement........................ 187 cal
TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands.................................. 8 cal
With one hand................................... 12 cal
With one hand being slapped.............. 37 cal
With the mouth.................................. 85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection.................................... 6 cal
Without erection............................ 315 cal
PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris...................... 8 cal
Trying to find G spot.......................... 92 cal
Without caring at all............................ 0 cal
WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up.................................. 12 cal
Just on the floor................................. 8 more...

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy more...

The Non-Stress DietThis diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.Breakfast1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim MilkLunch4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo CookieMid-Afternoon SnackRest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped CreamDinnerLoaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars Rules For This Diet1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and more...

Beer and Ice Cream Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.

Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. X 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the more...