Calories Jokes / Recent Jokes

For Chocolate Lovers: If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Money talks. Chocolate sings. Chocolate has many preservatives. more...

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out
with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the
holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can’t pick up a magazine without
finding a list of holiday eating do’s and don’ts. Eliminate second
helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite
childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn’t think so. Isn’t mine,
either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list
of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you’ll
be fat and happy. So what if you don’t make it to New Year’s? Your pants
won’t fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of more...

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32. 2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98. 6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.

Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6, 216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. X 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1, 200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately more...

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Exercise________ Calories burned per hourBeating around the bush -75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300Dragging your heels - 100Pushing your luck - 250Making mountains out of molehills - 500Hitting the nail on the head - 50Wading through paperwork - 300Bending over backwards - 75Jumping on the bandwagon - 200Balancing the books - 25Running around in circles - 350Eating crow - 225Tooting your own horn - 25Climbing the ladder of success - 750Pulling out the stops - 75Adding fuel to the fire - 160Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms - 50Putting your foot in your mouth - 300Starting the ball rolling - 90Going over the edge - 25Picking up the pieces after - 350

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass
commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season
when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and
annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10
pounds.

You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday
eating do's and don'ts... eliminate second helpings, high-calorie
sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot
is something you leave for Rudolph.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a more...

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Cookie pieces contain no calories -- the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
Foods that have more...

#1
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
#2
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
#3
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
#4
It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.
#5
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
#6
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
#7
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
#8
Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.
#9
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
#10
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
#11
The painting that won more...