Calories Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Diet BREAKFAST 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz glass skim milkLUNCH 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed zucchini 1 Oreo cookieMID-AFTERNOON SNACK rest of the package of Oreo cookies 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream 1 jar hot fudgeDINNER 2 loaves garlic bread 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza 1 large pitcher of beer 3 Milky Way candy bars 1 entire cheesecakeDIET TIPS 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream. 5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out. 6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count. 7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and more...

THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
With partner's consent... 12 Shoes flew off... 35
Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2
Orchestra swelled... 6
UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang
Using two calm hands... 7 Large birds... 7
Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds... 3
Earth moved... 30
Lifting partner... 15 PULLING OUT:
Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm... 1/2
Using skateboard... 3 A few moments before orgasm.500
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY:
For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman... 3
Losing erection... 14 For men... 72
Searching for it... 115
GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
With erection... 1.5 orgasm comes easily... 53
Without erection... 300 You're enjoying sex, despite the
fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving... more...

Sex burns up 350 calories each time. Please help me, I'm on a diet.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's more...

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports more...

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
Beating around the bush................. 75
Jumping to conclusions................. 100
Climbing the walls..................... 150
Swallowing your pride................... 50
Passing the buck........................ 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight)... 50-300
Dragging your heels.................... 100
Pushing your luck...................... 250
Making mountains out of molehills...... 500
Hitting the nail on the head............ 50
Wading through paperwork............... 300
Bending over backwards.................. 75
Jumping on the bandwagon............... 200
Balancing the books..................... 25
Running around in circles.............. 350
Eating crow............................ 225
Tooting your own horn................... 25
Climbing the ladder of more...

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.