Car Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dave Barry says:
In the early days, different brands of computers used different operating systems, which meant that people switching from one computer to another would have to learn a completely new set of instructions. This was obviously inefficient, so in the early 1980s, most major computer
manufacturers agreed to stop forcing people to learn a bunch of different operating systems, and instead adopt a single, uniform, standardized operating system so absurdly non-intuitive that nobody could learn it. This system was called MS-DOS.
The MS, of course, stood for Microsoft, the company that was started by the brilliant software genius Bill Gates. Gates is a very rich man today - Forbes Magazine estimates that he is worth more than the entire O. J. Simpson defence team combined - and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
To understand what I mean by versions, let's consider an analogy involving cars. Suppose you've purchased a new car, and you more...

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...

One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The trucks driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her whats so funny. The blonde giggled and replied, "When you werent looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Driving Lesson: Shanavas was just past 18 years. He wanted to learn how to drive a car. So he approached Shamudeen. Shamudeen agreed and he taught him for a month. At the end of the month, when there was just one more lesson to be finished, Shamu said "Shanavas, you are doing very well. This is the last lesson about the use of Indicators. After finishing the lesson, you drive alone to the city and come back." Shanavas nodded. After the lesson was over, he drove the car towards the main road. Fifteen minutes later, Shamu got a call from the Medical College casualty that Shanavas was admitted after a R. T. A. He rushed to the Casualty and found Shanavas lying in the trolley wih lots of bruises. Seeing Shamu, Shanavas went mad and shouted. "What man? What did you teach me? A vehicle with an indicator on top came rushing just after the Ulloor junction. I thought it would go up. But it came and crashed on to the car!" (The vehicle was an Ambulance!)

Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is
a
guard
rail and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed
as
you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your
car.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed
as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
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Get off the carousel and next time don't drink so much.

There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philipines.
As he stepped out of the aiport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard.
Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese remarked. "Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. Verri faast!!"
Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high cruising speed. "Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri good! Very faast"
The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror and was quite resented over the Jap's proud attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it.
"Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, more...