Card Jokes / Recent Jokes

Lorena Bobbit virus:
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virus:
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virus:
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus:
Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus:
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virus:
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virus:
Only attacks minor files. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Updated Version for the 90's woman:
1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and give him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "Clinique" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door more...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your drivers license? Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle? Driver: Its not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whos car is this? Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card. The driver owned the more...

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again. So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the more...

Eight-year-old Anita brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A`s and a couple of B`s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Anita is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Anita`s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Anita because I would like to try it out on her mother

There was a man walking through the forest in China. He came up on a old house he rang the door bell and an old man answered. The man told him that he was out lost in the jungle for 3 days and couldnt find away out of the forest, and he asked if he could stay there for a while.The old man argreed that he could if he didn't sleep with his grand daughter, because if he did there would be 3 of the worst chinese tortures inflicted upon him.So the old man took him upstairs to his room, but on the way the man caught a glimpse of the grand daughter naked and, with sure strive he made it to his room on the 2nd floor. About an hour later the grand daughter came in butt naked and they ended up sleeping together.When he woke the next mourning he found a rock on his chest under it was a card it read 1ST Chinese torture rock on chest. So the man picked up the rock and threw it out the window. Under the card he found another card which read 2nd Chinese torture left nutt tied to rock.So the man more...

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times.

Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3: 20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. {Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.}

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3: 10" And it said, "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."