Card Jokes / Recent Jokes
Hallmark Card: "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....Almost Lifelike!"
A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that looked strangely like a bullet.
She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.
"It's not a Christmas tree." he said. "It's a cartridge in a pear tree."
My credit was so bad credit card offers came pre-denied. Then someone stole my identity and actually improved my score. Now I qualify for a Visa card that comes already cut up.
Father: Got Your Report Card? Well, Show Me! Son: I Don't Have With Me, Dad. My Friend Borrowed It. Father: Your Friend Borrowed
Your Report Card? May I Ask You Why? Son: He Wants To Frighten His Parents.
By Nicholas Petreley
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Capitan, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order. "
"Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the more...
A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installing
new Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle.
Male and Female procedures have been
tailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings.
PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away
PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to more...