Cards Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnny had just turned six and much to his parents' chagrin, had never
spoken.Johnny's Grandpa, a well-known local poker player, was sympathetic to Johnny's plight, and would take Johnny with him whenever possible. One regular bonding between grandpa and grandson was at the Elk's Club Saturday night straight poker game. Johnny would sit on Grandpa's lap and faithfully watch as Grandpa regularly cleaned
out the town council members, local attorneys and judges.One Saturday night, Grandpa's cards were running bad. Nothing was working. For the first time, it looked like Grandpa's famous winning streak was about to come to an end. Towards the end of the evening, furious at his run of bad luck, Grandpa folded and threw his cards on the pot in disgust. Johnny looked up at his grandpa and said, “You shouldn't have folded, Grandpa.”Grandpa was stunned. “Johnny, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've ever spoken!”Johnny looked at Grandpa and said, more...

Police: "Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a theif carrying several credit cards with Mrs. Johnson's name on them."
Mr. Johnson: "Tell the thief he can keep them."
Police: "But don't you want your credit cards back?"
Mr. Johnson: "No. He's been spending only about half as much as Mrs. Johnson."

Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies.
A radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.
The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field.
People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.
People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. “I win!” said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you
bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did
you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
these!"

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on more...

Q. What did the gambler do with his cards?A. He Palladium.

These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead