Acceptable Jokes

If men ruled the world would be different
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to 'I love you.'
- Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the bum would pretty much do it.
- Birth control could come in ale or lager.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be the big boss.
- 'Sorry I'm late, I got hammered last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the 'public ugliness' ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get 'beer biceps'.
- Instead of an expensive more...

In today's era of affirmative action and politically correct
speaking, it is no longer acceptable to say "handicapped" or
"disabled." "Challenged" is now the acceptable term.
Such was the case when a morning radio personality (somewhere
around Maryland) recently reported a traffic jam caused by a
"mechanically challenged" vehicle.
The unfortunate thing about using the word "challenged" when
referring to a disabled person is, it won't change the nature of their
disability, nor is it likely to change peoples' feelings toward them.
Instead, as has happened with so many other words, "challenged" will
take on the new meaning. Twenty years from now, when we say that "a
skier was challenged by an expert slope," we will probably mean that
he broke his leg.

If men ruled the world:
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse more...

"If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words..."Ally McNaked".
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Garbage would take more...

Announcement: It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside). Invitations: Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one more...