"Rules that Guys Wished Girls Knew" joke

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know
how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
it done- not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right
to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like
you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's
certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
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[Note: These are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!]
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse
to
answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married
women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can
find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer
you
do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster
trucks.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it
that
way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not
work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your
dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done,
not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear
Wonder
bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends
* like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach,
for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. What the hell is a doily?

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