Victoria Jokes

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."

"But I have to get off there!"

"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."

"Will that work?"

"It's worth a try."

As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.

As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the more...

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
# 9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
# 8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
# 7 Mom will love this.
# 6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
# 5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
# 4 Will you model this for me???
# 3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
# 2 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in
Victoria's Secret:
# 1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough more...

The Victoria Bitter Prayer
Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk, when we loose to Sri Lanka again,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages, could not help with Murali's spin,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The Victoria bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen

A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

"This train doesn't stop at Victoria, it's the express."

"You are joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria!"

"Sorry sir. This train will not stop at Victoria."

"There must be something you can do."

"Well there is one thing. .."

"What? anything! I need to get off!"

"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."

"My God! Will that work?"

"It's worth a try."

The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running! The man is running in mid-air.

"Run faster! Run faster!" The ticket collector lowers the man down.

The man's feet touch the more...