Cards Jokes / Recent Jokes

Walking into the post office, Joe saw a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter busily placing 'love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then removed a perfume bottle from his pocket and started spraying the scent on the envelopes.
Jack was overcome with curiosity and asked the man what he was doing.
"I'm sending out 1000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess Who'," the man explained.
"Why?" asked Jack.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator. Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks. Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks. Vacancy on the top floor. Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. Vertically-fornicated mind. Views mold as a higher life form. Warranty expired. Was born an acrobat but landed on his head. Was born when the planets were misaligned. Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts. Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been. Wasn't strapped in during launch. Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary. Watching programs not listed in TV Guide. We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too. Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench. Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled. When he was compiled they forgot to #include [smarts. more...

I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!

I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail. .. NEVER --NEVER! !

There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now more...

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the
desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one
little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout
Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent
dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, you can be sure someone is bound to come up
behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top more...

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can`t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We`ve been more...

A CONSTABLE nabbed four boys and charged them for gambling in a public place. He asked the first, "What were you up to?"
"Nothing Sir," replied the boy. "I just happened to be passing this way."
"And you?" he asked the second boy.
"Sir, I was waiting for the bus."
The policeman turned to the third boy. "Sir, I don't even know how to play cards, how could I gamble on them?"
The constable let the boys go but caught the fourth boy who had the pack of cards with him. "Then it must be you who was gambling."
"No, Sir, there was no one I could gamble with," he replied.

Christmas Is:
1. A wobbly tree stand.
2. A week of inspiration and morality on TV screens that are
filled with crime and violence the other 51.
3. Having to tear open that gift you wrapped so beautifully
because you just remembered the price tag was still on it.
4. Trying to explain to a bright four-year-old how it's possible
to pass 6 Santa Clauses in one block.
5. When you get a dozen calendars in the mail... and on January
1st, you can't find a single one.
6. When you discover some idiot put a trunk on tree decorations
you stored so carefully last year.
7. Trying to wrap a bicycle so nobody can tell what it is.
8. When you can't walk into the Living Room for all the toys,
and your kids say, "Is that ALL?"
9. Frantic last-minute shopping when a gift arrives from a
relative you forgot.
10. When, while you're looking for a salesman, somebody buys the great tree you picked out.
11. When more...