Care Jokes / Recent Jokes

Newspaper Ads
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you
can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children
$2. 00.
o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and
fur collar.
o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.
o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
o Wanted: Unmarried girls more...

Advice on baby care - your questions answered.
(From a Nutworks post by Jon Partington)
QUESTION. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a Helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr Smiley and has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry'. He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed adultery with Mr Smiley, & the baby is not my son at all?
ANSWER. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician running for office, Maybe.
QUESTION. My baby is only one month old and can more...

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know more...

Nurses do it painless.
Nurses do it with TLC.
Nurses do it with care.
Nurses do it with intensive care.

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay, Irving, Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that junk you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do more...

Three guys are coming back from a hunting trip, when thier truck breaks down. The 1st guy says I think I saw a farm house back down the road about a mile. So they start walking and by the time they get thier it's getting dark. They ask the lady that lives in the house if they can use her phone, she says "I ain't got a phone but yer welcome to stay here for the night, as long as you don't make fun of my son because he don't have any ears"
So they are all siting around the T.V. with thier own section of the newspaper. The first guy looks up at the boy and says "take care of your teeth because when you get old like me you won't have any"
The second guy looks up over the section of news paper he has and says "boy...you better take good care of your hair because when you get old like me you won't have any"
So then the third guy looks up at the boy and says "boy you better take good care of your eyes because when you get old you won't be able more...

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking,' Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."