"Classified" joke

Newspaper Ads
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you
can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children
$2. 00.
o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and
fur collar.
o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.
o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully
by hand.
o No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will
make it really repellent.
o For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
o For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan
Hussy.
o Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.
o 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and
smothered with golden fried onion rings.
o Great Dames for sale.
o Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.
o Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
o 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for
charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
o Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
o Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
o If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.
o Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
o The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.
o Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
o Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
o Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable
that lots of women wear nothing else.
o Stock up and save. Limit: one.
o Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
o We build bodies that last a lifetime.
o Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
o This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better
Homes and Gardens.
o For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
o For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
o Man, honest. Will take anything.
o Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
o Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich
shop.
o Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.
o Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
o Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
o Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
o Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
o Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
o 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
o Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.
o Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
o Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.
o See ladies blouses. 50% off!
o Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
o Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
o Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
generalhousekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.
o Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
o Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
o Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
o And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
o We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1. 00.