Care Jokes / Recent Jokes
These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After hertalk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Billy," the lad replies.
"And what is your question, Billy?" asks the Senator.
I actually have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second -why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry," replies the boy.
"And what is your question?" she asks.
"I more...
There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.
Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drove off.
The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.
Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
The person in the boat then left.
The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim said, "That's okay."
The woman said, "Are you sure?"
Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."
Finally, the more...
In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.
In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn more...
A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.
The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection.
He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.
A more...
A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits
A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
A beer doesn't sulk.
A beer doesn't have to sleep wiht the windows open.
A beer doesn't snore.
A beer can't interrupt.
A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
A good beer is easy to find.
A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
A beer doesn't want children.
If the beer is finished before you are, you can have more...
The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function." "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized." "The skin was moist and dry." "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch." "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce." "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed." "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy." "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los more...