Care Jokes / Recent Jokes

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news." Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?" Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you more...

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. 3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. 4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 6. Stock up and save. Limit: one. 7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. 10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. 11. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2. 0012. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 15. For more...

A Nice Jewish Dog
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving.
He can't
wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor
finally comes
over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how
smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his
master, tail
wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright
with
anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay,
Irving,
Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail
wagging
furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile
disappears. He
starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy,
wagging my
tail all the time? Oy... This constant wagging of the tail puts
me in
such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating
that more...

The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3
You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes, you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race).
8. No, I cannot give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________

Attract girls by being busy
When a girl asks you what you did yesterday, never say, "Oh, I just sat around and was bored." Better to say, "I was up early to run errands and take care of business, then played tennis, met a friend for lunch, and worked in the afternoon." Lie if you have to. And don't worry, you'll get used to it:)
If a girl calls and asks what you are doing, reply with, "I just walked in the door" or "I'm just on my way out to take care of business."
Don't hang on the the phone for hours talking to girls indicating you don't have anything else to do. Get the business of the call over, be pleasant, then excuse yourself.
By not calling a girl every night or contacting her every day, you show that you are busy and have other things that are important in your life besides her. This lets her know that she is going to have to compete for your time.
If you run into someone, be pleasant and friendly. Show that more...

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.