Careful Jokes

For years 'n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests."So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump."Stand up very close," she said, As she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."She stepped upon a pedal... I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!! My skin was stretched 'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!! Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!"Take a deep breath" she said to me Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't more...

For years 'n years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law
Guarded them very carefully,
An always wore a bra.
After thirty years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My boob was in a vise!!!
My skin was stretched 'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squeezed
To Swedish pancake thin!!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vise-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!!
"Take a deep more...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*******

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
*******
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're more...

For year's years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The Doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
as she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
Ah yes! There! Thats just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My Boob was in a vice!!
My skin was stretched'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep more...