Carefully Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot.

The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.

The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.

The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States.

He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him.

The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look.

With the elephant still giving him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's more...

It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.

He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly.
'Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man'
The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.
The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it.
Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.
"No, not really" replied the doctor.' It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared the East.'

Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?"
He was acquitted.

A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. "Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the more...

I hope you will enjoy this since it humorous as well as instructive.
Do not use computerese, jargon, argot, newspeak, or British when expressing yourself in the American English Language.
Subject and verb always has to agree.
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
Avoid cliches like the very plague.
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the ass and should be thrown out the window.
Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors.
Don't be redundant.
Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
The passive voice should not be used.
Use the apostrophe in it's more...