Carefully Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.If you have more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100. 2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music. 3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool. 4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e. g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e. g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better. 7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as more...

The following is an exact transcription of a letter John Mongan received from MIT, and the reply that he sent them.Unfortunately, they chose to discontinue their correspondence at that point. I have heard, however, that their recruitment letter has been revised and is far less snotty than it once was.
April 18, 1994 Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567 Dear John: You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised.
Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective
universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention! Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, more...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the more...

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICECongratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to: PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!? We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six more...

I found these humurous and easily clasify people.
Agi Tator: Whenever things get dull, Agi is always there to stir things up. She is often a nuisance, but many times keeps everyone on their toes by disturbing the comfortable status quo.
Cogi Tator: Cogi is a thinker. She is different from her brother Medi because Cogi thinks deeply about matters that will affect the way she acts. She weighs everything carefully before acting and attempts to make sure she has considered all the alternatives.
Common Tator: Common always has advice or criticism on any subject. Always talking and always very authoritative sounding, he often sounds like he knows what he is talking out, but usually doesn't.
Devis Tator: Devis is a revolutionary. He believes in confrontation, radical changes. It is his philosophy that the only way to change something is to destroy it and start all over. Devis is weak on alternatives or ideas for rebuilding and considers that someone else's job.
Dick more...