Carefully Jokes / Recent Jokes

84 Ways to Know If You`re Chinese 1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year. 2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off. 3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out. 4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table. 5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil. 6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it. 7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time. 8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack. 9. You have never used your dishwasher. 10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times. 11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator. 12. You eat all meals in the kitchen. 13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. 14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage. 15. You always leave your shoes at the door. 16. You have a piano in your living more...

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street - she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."
His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful more...

THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS EXPLICIT USAGE OF OBSCENE LANGUAGE IN A SEXUAL
CONTEXT. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE BELOW THE ACCEPTABLE AGE OF 18 YEARS. THE
AUTHOR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY VIOLATION OR IGNORANCE OF THIS WARNING.
There was once a journalist roaming the streets of Arabia, when he stumbled
upon this authentic Arabian market. Interested, as he were, he went inside,
talking to the natives there, and buying a variety of things, when he
suddenly had this feeling that he was getting late. He looked around, and
saw an arab sitting near a camel, with the camel standing in front of him.
The arab was seated on a mat.
The man, bending down, asked the arab,
"Excuse me sir, but what's the time now?"
The arab looked up at the man, took up his hands and placed them carefully
underneath the camels balls, and started rocking them to and fro. Within
minutes of this exotic pendulum motion of the camel's scrotal more...

Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
Open door and remove cat from closet.
Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc...
Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
Remove present from bag.
Remove cat from bag.
Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat more...

Written by: Sister Helen P. Mrosia
He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint Mary's
School in Morris, Minn. All 34 of my students were dear to me, but
Mark Eklund was one in a million. Very neat in appearance, but had that
happy-to-be-alive attitude that made even his occasional
mischieviousness delightful.
Mark talked incessantly. I had to remind him again and again that
talking without permission was not acceptable. What impressed me
so much, though, was his sincere response every time I had to correct
him for misbehaving - "Thank you for correcting me, Sister!" I didn't
know what to make of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to
hearing it many times a day. One morning my patience was growing thin
when
Mark talked once too often, and then I made a novice-teacher's mistake.
I
looked at him and said, "If you say one more word, I am going to tape
your
mouth more...

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.
So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He more...

Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.
I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. The whole fuck.
The can said it had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they don't fucking tell you...
Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope
...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."
Oh yeah. I'm not even kidding.
So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not laundry or dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded more...