Carpet Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why are men just like carpet?
Once you lay' em right you can walk all over' em.

The following are actual postings on Church Bulletin Boards in Churches from all over the USA.
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies more...

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost hiscigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "Nosense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," hesaid to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer andflattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold 62 cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's Girl Scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last more...

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM DOG!!
3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!!
4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. EXACTLY whose walk is this anyway?
5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy the carpet?
7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Have you noticed the fur?
10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now, you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
11. When you stop to pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how more...

Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned, and cuddled my
two children on demand, visited their doctor’s office more than my
doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant
a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to
attach nine patches onto my daughter’s girl scout sash with
staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who
knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes: I’d like a pair of legs that don’t
ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don’t flap in the breeze, but
are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I’d more...

One Bengali is a poet.
Two Bengalis is a film society.
Three Bengalis is a political party.
Four Bengalis is two political parties.
One Punjabi is a 100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis is a Pinky with his brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis is an assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis is a combined IQ equal to one.
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is a caste killing.
Four Biharis is the entire literate population of Patna.
One Mallu is a coconut stall.
Two Mallus is a boat race.
Three Mallus is a Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus is an oil slick.
One UP bhaiyya is a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas is a fist-fight in the UPassembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas is a mosque-destruction squad.
One Gujju is a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus is a rummy game in a Bombay more...