Carry Jokes / Recent Jokes

British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.- I would not breed from this Officer.- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.- Technically sound, but socially impossible.- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.- This more...

British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form usedfor Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following areactual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.- I would not breed from this Officer.- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.- Technically sound, but socially impossible.- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.- This Medical more...

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words. Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. Signs are required to be written in English. No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. Acworth All citizens must own a rake. Atlanta Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. One man may not be on another man`s back. Columbus Can`t cut off a chicken`s head on Sunday. It is illegal to carry a chicken by it`s feet down Broadway on Sunday. Gainesville Chicken must be eaten with the hands. Jonesboro It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" Kennesaw Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind. Marietta Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck. St. more...

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill deer."

So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill buffalo."

The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they more...

God created a mule, and told him,' You will be a mule, work constantly from dawn to dusk, and carry heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.'
The mule answered,' To live like that for 50 years will be too much Please, Lord, give me no more than 20 years.' And it was so.
Then God created a dog, and told him,' You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
The dog responded,' Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that will be too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years' And it was so.
God then created a monkey, and told him,' You will be a monkey You will swing from tree to tree and act like an idiot. You will be funny, and you will live for 20 years.
The monkey responded,' Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world will be too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was more...

Letter to the DENTON RECORD CHRONICLE from Dwight Crawford Sr.of Sanger, Texas:
TERRORISM, WHAT IS THAT?
I get a big laugh at the dialogue of Osama bin Laden, the Taliban, politicians, and the news media. They say terrorists will hit us again in the oncoming weeks and months. What a joke! You have a better chance of getting killed on Interstate 35E than by a terrorist.
Osama has probably seen 100 degree plus summers in Afghanistan, but he doesn't have fire ants to go with it. If he did, he wouldn't be sleeping on the ground in his cave. He talks of pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us. He doesn't know what pain is until he gets kicked by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain.
Germ warfare? Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lime disease, blister beetles kill your horse, green bugs destroy a wheat crop, and termites eat your house. Anthrax has killed Texas cattle for over 125 years. What's new? Our prairie dogs carry the more...

Where does an elephant carry its laptop? In its trunk.