Carry Jokes / Recent Jokes

Saddam Hussein`s stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK`d a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he`s still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

AT & T announced last week it will lay off up to 8, 000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got more...

you carry your lab safety goggles around with you at all times, just in case...

you don't drink water, you drink H2O.

you start disagreeing with movies and TV shows on scientific aspects.

you carry a base solution around with you at all times, just in case one of those freak Hydrochloric acid spills happen.

you become very agitated when people refer to air as Oxygen, and proceed to list all of the components of air.

instead of writing ozone you write O3.

you start referring to the smell of nail polish remover as an acetone smell.

you no longer ask for Tylenol, you ask for acetaminophen.

you actually enjoy going to Chemistry class.

British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's".... - His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. - I would not breed from this Officer. - This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. - When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. - He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. - Technically sound, but socially impossible. - This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. - This young lady has delusions of adequacy. - When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. - more...

1. "Can I help you get a size?"
(Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your hands messing it up again.) 2. "Do you need help with anything?"
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.) 3. "Welcome to (Store Name Here)"
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.) 4. "Have a nice day!"
(Now that you ruined mine.) 5. "Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)"
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!) 6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?"
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!) 7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?"
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?) 8. "Can I help you get something down?"
(I'll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong more...

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech:
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years".
"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law):
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning".
"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.
"As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"

1.(Of course) Laugh hysterically and for no reason.
2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing.
3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them.
4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat.
5. Sit in front of a public computer on Windows 95, 98, or 2000. Click the start button. Click it again... and again. After clicking it for about 10 minutes, declare that you need another computer because your start button is broken. When someone proves it is not broken, say "Black magic! You all use black more...

I may look like a nerd, but it's only a disguise. I carry this beeper not to feel important but so my mom knows where I am. I carry this phone to call her back. Uhhhh, no, I didn't play football in high school, but I did letter in varsity volleyball and tennis. Has anyone ever told you you look like Chun Li? You know, that chick from Street Fighter 2. What do I do? Gee, I thought you would never ask. Y'see, I'm finishing my first year of residency in internal medicine. Yeah, (sniff) I cried during "Joy Luck Club." Do I cook? Well, not really but I can whip up a pretty mean fried rice! You know what? It's strange, but I get mistaken for a white guy all the time! Hey baby, wanna ride in my 16-valve, twin-cam lowered Acura Integra with BBS gold spiked rims and a sub-woofered stereo that'll leave you breathless? My eyes may seem small but I've got a HUGE personality.