Caught Jokes / Recent Jokes
Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It`s more...
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Here is another installment from The Man himself - this was taken from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" (surprise).
When in doubt, howl your innocence:
"No way!"
"I've been framed!"
"I didn't do nuthin'!"
"Lemme see my lawyer!"
WHAT IS TROUBLE? The experts explain.
Expert #1: Trouble is bad. It messes up yer mind, causes shame, and annoys big grumpy adults. Trouble is one of the leading causes of spankings in the world today.
Expert #2: Trouble is the maladaptive social response of an inquisitive youth to a stultifying educational environment.
Expert #3: Trouble is fun, except when you get caught. My problem is, I always get caught.
BASIC TROUBLE: Whispering, squirming, passing notes, chewing gum, talking, drawing cartoons
ADVANCED TROUBLE: Hiding all the blackboard erasers, stealing back your confiscated yo-yo from the teacher's desk, throwing water balloons, squirting water on the more...
Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter
Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe! Gary Hart
My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven. Hugh Grant
Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up! Mayor Marion Berry
Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall. Marv Albert
Dear Mr. President: more...
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
And they brought to Jesus the woman caught in adultery and said "This woman has just been caught committing adultery. The law of Moses says she should be stoned to death. What do You say?"
And Jesus said to them: "Let ye who art without sin cast the first stone." Then he turned and began to write in the sand.
A huge rock flew out of the crowd and hit the poor woman in the head.
Jesus turned and said: "Mother!"
Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament.
Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to
admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter
Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!
Gary Hart
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that
charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit
that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!
Mayor Marion Berry
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's
thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back more...